Why?

Why does everything come down to the question "why?" Even that question, in essence, comes down to "why?" Think about that for a second.....weird....But I digress. Tonight, at my senior ball, the last high school dance I'll ever attend, I found myself asking "why?" multiple times. This was not at all the fault of my lovely date, nor the fun-packed group I went with. No, to quote Led Zeppelin, it was "nobody's fault but mine." "What," you might ask, "What was nobody's fault but your own?" Well, at least that's better than "why." I found myself struggling anew with a battle of desire, a battle that I thought had ended favorably months before. I found myself looking into the past and wondering what had become of my life, and most importantly, why it had become such. I had a wonderful relationship with an awesome woman of God. We both learned and grew as individuals in our time together, a feat notable amongst today's high school relationships. We pledged ourselves to follow God's will in all events and circumstances, and, to the best of our ability, we did. We made mistakes, as everyone does. We learned from our mistakes, as many do not. We lived loud, laughed long, and loved luxuriously. 13 months to the day this relationship lasted--an eternity to high schoolers. But why did it end? I must have done something wrong. I must have cheated on her, or lied to her, or been an utter jerk to her. I did not. She must have desired another man, or needed more alone time, or wanted to get her priorities straight. She did not. She simply fell out of love with me. May the Lord curse my young and foolish idealism! We broke up; we had to. I was promised that she didn't want it to end this way, but in the end, it didn't matter. In no way was it a wasted relationship, but it was over. Through no fault of my own, I had lost a wonderful part of my life. This girl brought me closer to God. She changed my life, opened my eyes, and broke my heart. Here is an obvious place for "why?" to enter. And it did, make no mistake. But I recovered. I spent time with friends, discussing my feelings like a true man. I worked through it, and in about a month was comfortable with her as a good friend--what we had been before. I was proud of my maturity, proud of my ability to pull through and get over her, and even more proud of our friendship. It was a true testament to the solid foundation of our romantic relationship. Obviously, if we were still friends after such a potentially ugly breakup, we had based our relationship on friendship. That was 6 months ago. Since then, she has been involved with two others, and is currently dating a good man. I have no problem with her current relationship, and consider the two of them friends of mine. I have not pursued a relationship, but have spent time with friends, schoolwork, and my never-ending music practice. But tonight as I engaged in my Senior Prom, several factors combined to bring my heart to its knees. I won't cover those factors; this post is long-winded enough already. But all that security of having recovered from this dead relationship disappeared. I had been questioning my feelings lately; were they still there? Did I still desire our old relationship? I hoped not, but as the night endured, it became overwhelmingly clear to me that I did. WHY? WHY? Am I not over this girl? Can I not move on? Why not?? I know we had many good moments, but in our last months together she had shown me almost no affection of any kind. I was frequently blown off and hurt by her resistance to my kind actions. And yet I cannot see that our breakup was for the best? Why not? What am I missing, God? And yet through all my confusion and striving to know the future, I am reminded of Job's encounter with God. Job questions the Lord's will extensively--"I cry out to you, O God, but you do not answer. I stand up, but you merely look at me. You turn on me ruthlessly; with the might of your hand you attack me. You snatch me up and drive me before the wind; you toss me about in the storm. I know you will bring me down to death, to the place appointed for all the living." Though he never utters the word, Job is obviously questioning fiercly in his heart, "Why, God? Why?" God is never hesitant to answer. And He is never one to mince words. "Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me. Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me, if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it?...Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct him? Let him who accuses God answer him!" Like Job, what can I say? "I am unworthy--how can I reply to you? I put my hand over my mouth. I spoke once, but I have no answer--twice, but I will say no more." God, work your will in my life, whatever it may be. I'm sorry for my weak faith; have patience with me, and never give me over to my sin.